The Confidence Factor

I'm in a bit of a funk right now over circus. I've been active with the center for going on two years; I am not -- and have no interest in becoming -- a professional. (After all, I'm a mom, an ____ologist, researcher, and I'm about to become a nurse!). Granted, I am not the most self-confident person on the planet. And while I like to think of this as humility, I am fundamentally aware that it oftentimes manifests as self- consciousness and self-doubt. So, there's that. But the thing that's getting to me is what any good teacher knows well: the best way to help a student to learn is to be encouraging and to help to build confidence. I am not always getting this feedback at my place of practice. I should say here that I am not shabby, in general, at the art of circus. (Though, I don't hold a candle to The Kid.)

I trained for a couple of hours this morning on my own, just strength-building exercises, but I had the constant sense of judgment from a particular instructor, (and students who felt either obliged or merited to participate in the evil eying) which just kills confidence. Without confidence, exacting a skill is going to be impossible. Feeling watched and judged makes even hanging from the trapeze like threading yarn through the eye of a needle. Impossible! As a "recreational user" (a term I love because of the apparent lack of awareness of its contemporary, urban connotation) there is always a degree of displacement, but one would think that circus folk, for love of their art, community (and livelihood) would be inclined to encourage outsiders' interest in their trade. Well, on that front, at least the clowns are always very welcoming.

My take-home message on this one is that we need to believe in others; if we don't, we'll never be able to believe in ourselves. That, or we just need to surround ourselves with clowns.

Tomorrow, partner and I have a wieny roast at The Kid's school to attend to, but Sunday, I'll be back at the circus center, back on the trapeze, heart tucked tidily inside sleeve.

No, You Are Not Fat

Can we just get this straight? There is a cultural obsession with body image and I am convinced it goes hand-in-hand with the feminism problem. And I don't mean that feminism can solve it, I mean that modern expectations of/for women exacerbate it. Women around me lately seem totally obsessed. I, too, am guilty of said preoccupation from time to time.

Granted, circus girls look a lot like this, which is to say circus bodies are not traditionally feminine nor particularly skinny. And that's a big change for some. But other women around me seem even more singularly-minded. Today alone (it's noon) I've heard one woman, weighing maybe 90 pounds soaking wet, say she was having a "juice" for lunch "because I have to watch my calories" (?) while another of similar proportion told me, "All I do is eat. Look at me." I wanted to say, "I can hardly see you."

Unless you are suffering from morbid obesity, which is an entirely different physiological problem, don't even ask me, because no, I don't think you are fat and, no, I don't want to argue with you all of your dissatisfactions with your body.

To be frank, that kind of discussion is incredibly punishing to all of the other women around you.

~ Postscript: the picture above is of Laverie Vallee née Cooper, bka Charmion (1875-1949), an American vaudeville trapeze artist and strongwoman, best known for her act during which she disrobed on the static trapeze (down to her leotard). You can see the act here, in a short film made by Thomas Edison (1901).

Muscle Memory

My tissu teacher (who is great, by the way) has been trying to get me to keep a notebook so that I will remember the different wraps and drops. My take on this is that for chronicling what we've done week to week, this is a fine exercise, but for learning, it is an exercise in futility. As a former dancer I have pretty decent body awareness. I am aware that my body learns through repetition. The trouble is that at the circus center, other than during class, there is no way to practice because the silks are not hanging. I maintain that without this repetition, I will make slow gains and will, likely, need to be reminded of where my feet, hands, butt should go. But this argument was putting me at odds with my instructor, so I conceded and whipped out the handy dandy moleskine, with a mental note to check up on this one. I recalled a piece I had seen in the NYT last year about a professional dancer who had a very detailed explanation of learning by watching and repeating movement, something which is quite natural for me - and imperative - in physical activity, even though I am much more of an auditory learner, generally.

After class I looked into muscle memory, aka neuromuscular facilitation, a very real phenomenon. The way it works is that through repetition, training movement of the body will stimulate neurological adaptation processes. The outcome will eventually induce physiological changes resulting in increased levels of accuracy in movement. Both fine and gross motor skills are involved in muscle memory. As we reinforce specific movements through repetition, the neural system learns those fine and gross motor skills so that we no longer have to think through the action. We merely react and perform. As you can imagine, anyone learning a new activity has a significant amount of brain activity occurring. Since muscles grow accustomed to certain types of repetitive movement, (walking, brushing your teeth, driving a vehicle) the best way to insure correct and adequate unconscious performance is repetition. Practice. Ask any musician or athlete.

So while doubting its efficacy, I will write down the drops and wraps until there is a tissu up on which to practice, at which point I guarantee marked improvement (and decrease in trainer frustration over having to shout out, "no, behind! no, left leg up! no, turn to the right!"). Which brings us to the confidence factor, another documented phenomenon in which a person's sense of being unable to perform affects muscle memory. But that's a different problem for another day.

Why is the Room Spinning?

This single point trapeze has got me thinking about balance. After the first round, which was a solo lesson lasting about an hour, I felt pretty good. My instructor, mightily prepared with water, ginger, smelling salts and a bucket (just kidding about the last two), was very conscientious about checking up on my dizziness every few minutes: “How are you doing? Do you need some ginger? Drink some water.” And I was really fine. Until… I finished the class and made it all the way to work when I realized I felt exceedingly tired, had trouble focusing, was walking very slowly, methodically placing one foot in front of the other. I imagine I looked drunk, which is not the best way to appear at work. When I made it to my office, I sat at my desk, both feet placed firmly on the floor. With hands flat on my desk I stared straight ahead for about an hour. Then, quite suddenly, it passed.

So, what is this experience? The theories in the single point class abound. I’ve heard everything from fluid in the inner ear moving too rapidly, to low blood sugar. The remedies are even more diverse: eat protein before class; after you’ve been on the trapeze place the palm of your hand an inch from you face and study your life line; jump up and down; or my personal solution, which is to invariably, inadvertently close one eye.

According to more knowledgeable sources, our balance is maintained by a complex interaction of many different parts of the nervous system including the eyes, inner ears, joints, spine, muscles, sensory receptors, the brain and spinal cord. The symptoms of dizziness occur when the central nervous system (brain and spine) receives conflicting messages from the other systems. Each of these systems works in a particular way. The inner ears, or labyrinth, help us to know the direction of motion of our body, such as turning in different directions. The eyes monitor where the body is in space and also the direction of the motion in our environment (think about sitting at a stop light in your car and the car next to you begins to move slowly forward and you slam your foot on the break, having the sensation of movement). The joints and spine are skin pressure receptors which communicate which part of the body is touching the ground. Muscles and joint receptors tell us which part of the body is moving while the brain and spinal cord processes all of the information from the other systems. So, when the systems are sending contradicting signals, such as a spinning on a trapeze, hanging upside down from one knee, while simultaneously trying to focus either on nothing or an unmoving body part, this will inevitably cause the CNS some confusion. Rightfully so.

Now, how to combat the dizziness. This guy calls dizziness his idea of “absolute hell”. I wouldn’t go that far, obviously, or I wouldn’t be on the trapeze. But dizziness can be a real drag. So his remedies seem quite useful. Recommendations include: move slowly and find a focal point, stay hydrated, practice deliberate movement (walk a straight line), build focal strength (do exercises like following moving objects with your eyes). His final solution? Avoid dizziness-inducing activities. Heck no!

A Brief Circus History

After training since the summer of 2006, off and on, in acrobatics and on the static trapeze - and since December on the tissu - I decided that today I would try out a new circus apparatus, the single point trapeze.

Like all circus endeavors: humbling.