The Confidence Factor

I'm in a bit of a funk right now over circus. I've been active with the center for going on two years; I am not -- and have no interest in becoming -- a professional. (After all, I'm a mom, an ____ologist, researcher, and I'm about to become a nurse!). Granted, I am not the most self-confident person on the planet. And while I like to think of this as humility, I am fundamentally aware that it oftentimes manifests as self- consciousness and self-doubt. So, there's that. But the thing that's getting to me is what any good teacher knows well: the best way to help a student to learn is to be encouraging and to help to build confidence. I am not always getting this feedback at my place of practice. I should say here that I am not shabby, in general, at the art of circus. (Though, I don't hold a candle to The Kid.)

I trained for a couple of hours this morning on my own, just strength-building exercises, but I had the constant sense of judgment from a particular instructor, (and students who felt either obliged or merited to participate in the evil eying) which just kills confidence. Without confidence, exacting a skill is going to be impossible. Feeling watched and judged makes even hanging from the trapeze like threading yarn through the eye of a needle. Impossible! As a "recreational user" (a term I love because of the apparent lack of awareness of its contemporary, urban connotation) there is always a degree of displacement, but one would think that circus folk, for love of their art, community (and livelihood) would be inclined to encourage outsiders' interest in their trade. Well, on that front, at least the clowns are always very welcoming.

My take-home message on this one is that we need to believe in others; if we don't, we'll never be able to believe in ourselves. That, or we just need to surround ourselves with clowns.

Tomorrow, partner and I have a wieny roast at The Kid's school to attend to, but Sunday, I'll be back at the circus center, back on the trapeze, heart tucked tidily inside sleeve.