I Left My Heart In ...

Unless you are in the Bay Area, you may not have heard all of the hullabaloo stemming from a Facebook comment by a restaurant patron here in San Francisco about taking children out to eat in public dining venues.  So as not to bastardize, let me quote directly.  After an, apparently, particularly disruptive experience at a small sushi bar in the Cole Valley neighborhood, this diner said:

This may shock you, but choosing to have children means you can't go out to eat for roughly three years.  Please.  Accept your fate -- you're killing me. 

The hubbub that ensued was not just because this -- kind of hilarious and kind of true statement -- was simply offensive to some in its own right (which it clearly was), but because Jennifer Bennett Piallat is the owner of a very popular and somewhat family-friendly restaurant in the very same neighborhood. Yes, both of my kids have eaten there.

So, obviously, I'm not here to take down Ms. Piallat.  I totally feel her pain. I mean, I lived in Berkeley for many years.  That place is like a haven for tiny Kasper Hausers with the parents looking deep into their home brews or bong water while the kids take over Chez Panisse with their mothers' knitting needles.  I did however, make a call to a local radio program when talk of this incident turned into a full on take-down of children in San Francisco.  I felt that this truly pointed to the larger problem of a growing intolerance toward children in this city, or perhaps in the culture at large.  (Though, I really can't say with any authority, as I have lived in the Bay Area for twenty years now.)  But it is true that there is a real disdain for children in many parts of this city.  Not just restaurants, but museums, parks, markets and certain districts altogether.  When I pointed this out to the public radio listeners, someone responded to me with the following comment:

SF is an adult city for adults.  Only ten percent of SF's population are in elementary schools.  Per SF Unified [School District], of children born in San Francisco, one-fourth will leave before they reach Kindergarten age.  Half will enroll in public school.  Of these, 13% will leave before eighth grade.  

Funny, this somehow doesn't seem to me like some sort of boon for the city of San Francisco. Also, just for a quick history lesson for my statically-rich friend: it is also a city of urban renewal movements in which historically black communities (read: families and their children), like the Western Addition and The Fillmore, were totally displaced.  This movement by landowners and developers is not so different from that occurring today in traditionally ethnic communities like The Mission District.  So, yes, San Francisco is moving toward becoming an "adult city for adults" but the cost is very, very high.

It is well-known in this area that there is a flight of families from the city to the suburbs because it is unwelcoming in its prohibitive cost, its poor public school system and its inhospitable position toward children, particularly those in poor and 'minority' families. That is making the city "older, whiter and richer".  It's like Hamlin.  All of the children are led out of this city before they can cause any trouble. Doesn't that strike anyone as both sad an ironic?  That we displace children so that we can have a little peace?  Would we like for those children to grow up without all of the culture, art, history and beauty that this city has to offer? Once the children and their families are gone, isn't the city less culturally rich?  We would rather that children grow up in the suburbs without the influence that we, as city dwellers, could exercise?  I mean, as urban adults, we have a lot to offer.

And so do the the children.

In the end, I found the argument that followed the Zazie incident very disappointing.  The moral tone about the right kind of child and the right kind of parent feels very heavy handed (and very, very dominated by the elite, upper middle class in this once-diverse city -- myself included.)

I have been raising two children in this city for fifteen years and it is still a very difficult place to feel welcome as a family, no matter the behavior of the parent or the child.  We have navigated the very treacherous public school system and put our hearts, souls and wallets into its arts and music programs. And we have the time, the energy and the resources to do that.  Many life-long San Francisco residents do not.

Parenting is a difficult transition under any circumstance, but it really helps to have a community that makes you feel welcome and tells your children that they are valued and loved.

At least as much as the dogs.